Resources - Discovery Elementary School

3 Simple Word to End Child Nagging and Negotiating

Have you ever met a more persistent creature than a child trying to get what she wants? I don’t know about you, but I haven’t. There is no one with greater resolve or dedication than a kid on a mission to get their parent’s approval.

Unfortunately, this level of persistence isn’t always well-received by parents who are often forced into these hostage negotiations at inopportune times – in the candy aisle of the grocery store, in the toy aisle of Target, in the middle of trying to cook dinner, while trying to take a shower. It’s as if children can see we are vulnerable and try to pounce in our moments of weakness.

While it’s important to teach children gratitude to combat the pleading in the stores, it’s equally important to stop the negotiations before they get out of hand. From the famed “Are we there yet?” to this morning’s “Can I have ice cream for breakfast?” to this afternoon’s “Can I have ice cream for dinner?” kids are notorious for their one-track minds, and they will ask…and ask…and ask…just in case you’ve changed your mind in the last minute.

Why Do Children Nag?

As with any behavior, you must first understand the root of the issue in order to address it appropriately. As a positive parenting expert, I teach tools based on Adlerian Psychology which asserts a child’s behavior is not random.

Child nagging is a learned behavior that children of any age can pick up. Children will continue to use it because once, in a moment of weakness, you caved and let them stay up an extra half hour after they asked for the eighth time. In short, the nagging worked–it achieved the child’s goal of getting an extended bedtime.

How Can I Stop My Child From Nagging?

Like any learned behavior, child nagging can be unlearned. The solution comes from Lynn Lott, co-author of the Positive Discipline series of books, and it works on kids as young as two or three, all the way through their teens.

It only takes three simple words: “Asked and Answered.”

The concept is simple. When seven-year-old Daniel begs to dig a giant hole in the front yard and gets “no” for an answer, chances are he’ll be back in five minutes asking again–this time with a “pleeeeeeaase” just so you know he really, really wants to dig the hole.

Instead of repeating yourself or jumping into a lecture, avoid child nagging by getting eye to eye and following the process below:

Step One:

Ask, “Have you ever heard of ‘Asked and Answered’?” (He’ll probably say no.)

Step Two:

Ask, “Did you ask me a question about digging a hole?”(He’ll say yes.)

Step Three:

Ask, “Did I answer it?” (He’ll probably say, “Yes, but, I really ….”)

Step Four:

Ask, “Do I look like the kind of mom/dad/teacher who will change her/his mind if you ask me the same thing over and over?” (Chances are Daniel will walk away, maybe with a frustrated grunt, and engage in something else.)

Step Five:

If Daniel asks again, say, “Asked and Answered.” (No other words are necessary!). Once this technique has been established, these are the only words you need to say to address nagging questions.

Consistency is key! Once you decide to use “Asked and Answered” with your nagging child, be sure to stick to it. If the questioning continues even after you’ve responded with “Asked and Answered,” simply walk away. Once your child sees you won’t even engage in the discussion, they will learn very quickly that nagging isn’t an effective behavior to achieve their goals.

If 14-year-old Emma is particularly determined to keep asking to get her eyebrow pierced, stay strong. Answering her question again–or worse yet, changing your answer–will reinforce to her that nagging works.

Although it’ll take some patience, your child will eventually connect the dots–and you’ll see results!

Parent as a Team

Make “Asked and Answered” a joint effort with your partner, and consider including any family or friends who may have to deal with child nagging and negotiating from your child. When Daniel and Emma realize they won’t get a “yes,” even after they’ve asked YOU five times, your parenting partner three times, and grandma twice, they’ll get the hint and retire this tactic.

Be sure all parent/guardian/caretakers follow through and stay consistent. Before you know it, 20 questions will be a fun game once again and no longer a negotiation tactic!

Parenting Children with Autism

Speech and Language Pathologist, Stacy Pulley, reports this technique works well for children with communication challenges, particularly those with Autism. She suggests bringing a notebook or a chalk/dry-erase board into the mix and writing down a question once they’ve asked it more than once, keeping in mind their reading level. Or, draw a picture.

Then, when your child asks again, point to the board or notebook to remind them they’ve asked, and you’ve answered. Be sure to use as few words as possible and stay consistent in your language to help them understand the connection as they learn to listen to and respect your answers.

Final Thoughts

Adding this tool to your parenting toolbox is a positive step toward ending the child nagging and negotiating that can wear on even the most resolute of parents.

However, if you find yourself in the middle of other power struggles – sibling rivalry, bedtime battles, or backtalk, just to name a few – I’d love for you to join me for a FREE online parenting class.

I’ll show you how to finally get your kids to listen – no nagging, reminding or yelling required. With the right tools, you (along with thousands of other parents) can become the parent you’ve always dreamed of being.

About the Author

Nationally recognized parenting expert Amy McCready is the Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions® and the best-selling author of The “Me, Me, Me” Epidemic - A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World and If I Have to Tell You One More Time…The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling. As a “recovering yeller” and a Certified Positive Discipline Instructor, Amy is a champion of positive parenting techniques for happier families and well-behaved kids. Amy is a TODAY Show contributor and has been featured on The Doctors, CBS This Morning, CNN, Fox & Friends, MSNBC, Rachael Ray, Steve Harvey & others. In her most important role, she is the proud mom of two amazing young men.

10 Ways to Handle Disrespectful Behavior

From Parents by Amy Morin, LCSW Updated on April 4, 2024, Medically reviewed by Emily Edlynn, PhD

If your child rolls their eyes and says, "Whatever!" when you tell them to start their homework, or if they pretend not to hear you when you tell them to turn off electronics, they're on the mild end of the disrespect spectrum. On the more serious end of the spectrum are behaviors such as name-calling, disregarding rules, and physical aggression.

While you might be tempted to excuse disrespect by saying things like "Kids will be kids," brushing it off won't do your child any favors. Kids need to learn how to be respectful so they can develop healthy relationships with peers, authority figures, and family members.

No matter where your child falls on the spectrum, it's important to address disrespect before it gets worse. A study conducted by researchers at the University of Virginia found that disrespectful children are likely to become rude adults.

Here are 10 ways you can address your child's disrespectful behavior today.

Ignore Attention-Seeking Behavior

It may seem like ignoring minor disrespect is the same as allowing your child to get away with it. But selective ignoring can be one of the most effective form of consequences.

Ignoring is about refusing to let your child's disrespect derail you from the task at hand. If you tell your child to clean their room and they roll their eyes, don't engage in a lengthy argument over the disrespectful behavior. Each minute you spend in a power struggle is 60 seconds they'll put off cleaning. Give a warning about what will happen if they don't get to work.

If eye-rolling is a common problem, address the issue at a later time when both of you are calm. Here are some tips for doing that:

Say something like, "Earlier today when I told you to clean your room, you rolled your eyes. Are you aware that you do that when you're mad?"
Talk about the potential consequences of disrespect.
Ask, "Do you think that you roll your eyes when your friend says something you don't like?"
Engage in a discussion about how other people feel when they witness rude behavior.
Explain the natural consequences for disrespectful behavior such as, “Disrespectful children often have trouble making friends."

A significant amount of parent-child conflict occurs due to a lack of meaningful connection. Connecting with your kids might decrease the conflict.

Find the Root Cause

If ignoring behavior doesn't seem to work, or you feel like something else might be going on, try looking deeper. Behavior is communication, and disrespectful behavior might be your child's way of telling you something is wrong.

It could mean they need help learning socially appropriate ways to manage anger, deal with frustration, and communicate effectively. Or maybe your child wants more of your time and attention. We often hear this framed in the negative ("They just want attention,") but it can also be a very real need.

That doesn't mean you can't have boundaries or that you need to drop everything for your child. But if a need for connection is behind bad behavior, you may be able to improve things by finding a way to meet this need. For example, maybe you spend 15 minutes reconnecting each day after school.

Use When/Then Statements

Instead of telling your child what they can't do, tell them how they can earn a privilege. "When/then" statements frame requests in a positive way. Use these statements to notify your child what will happen after they choose to change their behavior. Say, “When you wait your turn while I’m on the phone, then I can take the time to answer you.”

Rather than saying, "If you don't pick up right now, you won't be able to play outside," say, "You can play outside as soon as you are finished picking up your toys." Then, walk away and leave it up to your child to respond. Other tips for using "when/then" statements:

Try saying things like, “When you lower your voice and talk calmly, I’ll answer you,” or “I’ll play with you when you stop being bossy.”
Teach your child that polite and kind behavior yields positive results. This gives your child an opportunity to change their behavior.
Make sure you're fully prepared to follow through with a negative consequence.
Avoid repeating your warnings over and over again. Otherwise, you'll be training your child not to listen.

Have Your Child Try Again

A wrong choice should be followed by the right choice. If you want your child to learn to act respectfully, give them a chance to practice.

Let's say your 10-year-old says, "Take me to my friends house, right now!" Before you launch into a lecture about speaking respectfully, simply say, "Oh! Could you try that again?"

This gives your child the chance to soften their tone and use their own thinking skills to identify a better choice of words. For younger kids, you could say something like, "I can't hear you! I can only hear your kind voice."

Pick Your Battles

If your child is struggling with a handful of behavior problems, it can sometimes feel like you're constantly reprimanding them or doling out consequences. This can be discouraging for you both. Consider focusing on the one or two most important behaviors, while letting the others slide for a time.

For example, address the biting and hitting that your toddler has started doing, while not worrying too much if they don't say hello to adults who greet them. You can work on basic manners after you have taught them not to physically hurt others.

Provide an Immediate Consequence

Most disrespectful behaviors should result in an immediate consequence. Take your child's age and the seriousness of the offense into consideration when determining the consequence.

A calm-down corner can be an effective consequence for young children. If a 6-year-old screams in your face when they're angry, for example, immediately explain to them why this behavior is inappropriate and provide them an opportunity to correct it.

If your teen grabs their backpack and walks out the door after you’ve told them they can’t leave, or if your child calls you a name, set the boundary: "I will not let you disrespect me" or "I won't allow hurtful language in this home" or "I trust you will find a different way to deal with your frustration."

Many actions that are labeled "misbehaviors" can often be corrected when a child is given the skills and attention they need to make those changes. The aim is not to dish out more punishments. The goal is to remain connected, teach them valuable skills, and maintain a healthy parent-child relationship.

Use Restitution

If your child or teen behaves in a disrespectful manner, restitution may be necessary to discourage it from happening again. Restitution is about doing something kind for the target, or doing something to make reparations for the damage that's been done.

If your child hits their sibling, have them do their sibling's chores for the day. Or if your teen breaks something out of anger, they can fix it or pay to get it fixed.

Teach your child that saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t always fix things. Restitution helps them take responsibility for disrespectful behavior while also working to repair the relationship.

Refill Someone Else's Tank

When your kids are disrespectful, it can take a toll on your mood and energy. Sometimes the best consequence is finding a way for them to replace the energy that you lost. This doesn't have to be directly related to the behavior.

The idea is that they dampened your mood or energy, so now they have to do something to brighten it. For example, they might do some of your chores while you relax, or they might prepare one of your favorite foods.

Use Reminders

Kids are still learning, and sometimes, the best way to respond to disrespect is with a calm yet firm reminder that you expect your child to speak and act kindly.

Reminders work best ahead of time, however. For example, if you're about to board an airplane with kids, go over what respectful behavior looks like (inside voices, no kicking the chair in front, etc.).

Give Them a Hug

We all have our bad moments. Harsh consequences for disrespectful behavior can sometimes just fuel the fire. Remembering that discipline means "to teach," showing your child what loving, kind behavior looks like by responding with a hug or another way of showing affection.

This doesn't mean that you can't set boundaries or that you're just letting the behavior slide. You can follow up with a conversation on why it's important to be respectful. Many kids will be more open to listening after they feel confident that you'll give them unconditional love.

A Word From Parents

When you're addressing disrespectful behavior, it's normal for your child to take two steps forward and one step back. So while they may be polite and kind one day, they may struggle the next. Consistent discipline will help them make progress over the long term. Point out good behavior when you see it; and on bad days, consider disrespect a sign that they need more practice.

7 Sources

Parents uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Conflict With Friends, Relationship Blindness, and the Pathway to Adult Disagreeableness. Pers Individ Dif. 2015.
Addressing Early Childhood Emotional and Behavioral Problems. Pediatrics. 2016.
Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children. Pediatrics. 2018.
Talking With Your Teen: Tips for Parents. American Academy of Pediatrics.
Communication and Discipline. American Academy of Pediatrics.
Parenting Behaviors That Shape Child Compliance: A Multilevel Meta-Analysis. PLoS One. 2018.
How to Give a Timeout. American Academy of Pediatrics.

Additional Reading

Ty A, Mitchell DGV, Finger E. Making amends: Neural systems supporting donation decisions prompting guilt and restitution. Pers Individ Dif. 2017;107:28-36. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2016.1 1.004

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